Toxic Parents and Adult Children: 7 Reasons Why it's Hard to Let Go
- Bonny
- Jan 8
- 3 min read
You might be wondering, "Why can't I cut my harmful parents out of my life when they caused me so much hurt as a child?" If you've been questioning yourself, you're not alone. Many of my adult clients, with difficult childhoods, have asked this very question. They are doubly confused when they find it hard to close the door on their relationship with their parents despite ongoing hurt. To bring some clarity, here are 7 reasons why it's hard to let go of toxic parents.
Wired for connection
Being wired for connection means that you were born needing close, caring relationships. From the moment we are born, we depend on our parents or caregivers not just for food and safety, but for comfort, emotional support, and connection. Our brains and bodies are built to connect with the people who care for us. When parents respond with warmth, attention, and care, children learn an important message: “I matter, and others can be trusted.” Attachment needs don't simply "turn off" in adulthood.
Trauma bond
By definition, a trauma bond is a strong emotional attachment that forms in a relationship where care and harm are mixed. Trauma bonds happen when parents are kind, loving, or supportive at times, but also hurtful, controlling, or emotionally unsafe at other times. Because humans are wired for connection, the bond can feel very powerful, even when the relationship is painful. It can be awfully confusing when your parent(s) did not mistreat you all the time.
Craving parents' love and approval
To survive the unpredictable nature of critical and dismissive parents, children please and appease, to earn the love and emotional connection with their parents, which feels safer than rejection and loss. Children may learn to believe: "If I try harder, maybe I'll be loved" or "Their approval means I'm okay".
Hoping they will change
Hope was a way a child coped with difficulty and disappointment caused by parents and/or caregivers. Believing “Maybe my parents will change one day” is often less painful than accepting that parents can’t give what they need.
Cultural values
In families where cultural values make it more difficult to recognize abuse and/or neglect, it can lead children to minimize their experiences of harm. For example, in Asian cultures where duty, responsibility, respect, and honour are upheld, children are taught to:
Respect and obey their parents
Be grateful for their parents’ sacrifices
Put family needs before their own
Therefore, survivors grow up thinking: “They were very strict because they loved me" or “I shouldn’t complain after all they did for me". These beliefs can make it difficult to completely walk away.
Parents aging
Adult children may be drawn back into the relationship out of a sense of duty. They feel obligated to take care of their aging parents despite an abusive history. Hurt and harmed children grew up too fast and were responsible for their parents' well-being at an early age. As adults, they have internalized guilt-inducing messages that sound like this:
"You only have one set of parents."
"Good children take care of their parents."
"Family always comes first."
Over time, adult children learn to believe that caring for the parents who hurt them is the right thing to do.
Adult children become parents
Old hope might be rekindled when adult children have children of their own. They might hope that things will be better this time around and wish their children to have experiences they never had.
Pressure from society can also place judgments on parents who limit contact between grandparents and their children, and this can result in reconnection due to guilt and shame.
Please know that you are not weak for wanting closeness or find it hard to let go. Your desire for connection is natural. If you would like professional support to help you through your attachment wounds, please feel free to reach out.
I offer therapy for adults online across BC, Canada, with in-person availability for those who prefer to meet face-to-face on Commercial Drive, Vancouver.